The beautiful sound of leafs as the wind hits them softly, the colours of green, purple, light grey, dark and light brown and the colour of my skin blending in. A touch of musical sound in the air and the buzzing of some bees looking for flowers. Myself feeling the cold grey ground in my front yard. The feeling of cool pink juice with a couple of ice cubes inside a big tall glass. Feeling like myself inside my natural habitat. An idea of how strong and powerful life can be. Of how intense the present is when you take this moment to yourself.
I seemed to have forgotten how it is to feel good, real good with just yourself. Focusing on the now and on the future. Planing your day and making it your own. Observing the small things that are making you feel overflowed with happiness.
So as content as I am in this current moment of time I want to tell you a small story.
Here we go.
I was a girl, always so innocent and happy when I was little. I went to school and this place destroyed me. It damaged my feelings my creativity as I was growing up. At that moment I didn't realise how lost I was and how situations are going to affect my life in the years to come. People at school weren't all kind. Some of them were affectionate enough but it wasn't enough. I want to create a small society of innocent and kind feelings. I know this might be a dreamy world but I'll try. For me and the people around me that deserve the best treatment and my lover, my kids, my future family. Continuing living on I was bullied, I was tossed to the side, I was made to feel bad about my body, myself, my feelings and the way I see this world. My creativity was tossed to the underground world and my heart broke thousands of time into a million pieces. I am not holding a grudge but those memories are awful.
Feelings caused by lack of constructive communication. No one was telling me things about life, about my body, about my mind, about the world. I had to learn everything from scratch by heart for the years to come. I had to learn to live the good life by myself and this costed me valuable time. Time I'll never regain ever again. Precious time.
High school was even worse. But that time I grew up and I realised I had to do everything on my own. I had to create the world I want to live in. So I took a deep breath. I took loads of them. And I tried to get deep into artistic projects. Painting my feelings out, expressing my mind over music over words and on people, on walls, on paper. I created powerful pieces of Art. I created myself the way I wanted and I still am. I am moulding my body and mind into this almost perfect piece of endless art in order to express all those ideas outside this brain full of energy.
Every day as long as I can remember in high school I would draw another piece of thought outside my mind, into a paper into a person. Some where jealous, some where admiring what I was doing, most of them were ignorant. But I managed.
As studying became harder and I had to focus on my exams to come I fell in love. Firstly with a long haired boy with deep blue eyes, afterwards with a drummer and then with a soul close to what I am. Three times of pain and disturbed feelings. But I managed as well. I accepted the feelings and outgrew them. I turned the pain and the anger into flowers in a piece of paper. I started running and running and watched my body change. I tried to forget those 2 and keep going with the third. Still am. Finishing exams was hard as well but I tried to meet as many people as I could, I tried to dream as much as I can for the future to come. I gave everything i owned inside and out to those two and some more and I watched as my soul divided into pieces of self that were extracted from me and given to them. Lost pieces. Thank God I am still young and I can grow new ones. Or else I wouldn't survive. The last sex was painful, not physically but emotionally. I betrayed every piece of myself and regretted every moment of my life I wasted on that action. I was sick, I was in pain, I was sad.
But then this moment came. This moment of loneliness accompanied with a cigarette, this pink juice, the wind, the bees, the grey ground stones of my frond yard, the music in the air and for once after a long time I felt better. I feel better and I am starting to feel like myself again. Like a new self. A better one, a stronger one. A somebody somehow wiser, improved, once again observant of the beautiful world that hugs me every time I look around.
