yours truly, its the deja vu

Every song was written for a reason. That's because someone had to say something to the person next to. Songs express feelings. They can be angry feelings, stoned feelings, love feelings, 'i care about you' feelings and the list goes on an on. It's a way of someone's saying i love you or I miss you. When our communication is poor then, I'll have a list of songs with which i will be trying to say to you I miss you, I am sorry, I was stupid, you were amazing, what we had, we never gave it the right chance.
Those songs of long lost words, I would be sending them to you every single day for a week, a month, a year, until I saw you again. But no. The truth is that he had our chance. Songs were sang while we were together. But that wasn't enough. Words are words. They are not enough if you can't hold what's yours inside your hands, your heart.
That I'm living now is a deja vu. I've already been here two times. Two painful times. Once with a blue eyed boy, once with a drummer. Now, it's the same pain running through my veins and my heart. I gotta say that this sucks. This endless deprivation I keep on having is the worst part of having lost someone. And this year was full of losses. Of all those long lost loves, kisses, I choose to not have to think about you or them again. You are not a part of my life anymore. Life keeps on moving and I have the choice to chase whats mine because I want to. You didn't do that with me then I accept that. But next time you see me, lets say I won't be the same me. I will not be yours.I choose to move on. To move past you. Move into the oblivion of life.
yours truly 

I'll be seeing you...

A love so big, so tender, so huge and open that is always there. It is there for you. You feel it in your heart, in your brain. You feel it when it comes to choosing. Its is not the right choice and you know it. It is not what your parents told you to do. But it was their mistake too. Long time ago they did the same mistake. They fell in love. Little rebels that thought they could catch the wind, they could tame fire and they could fly without any wings. Cause this is love. Not being able to feel your heart from breaking into a million pieces when you're heartbroken. When you can't be with the one your heart chose, but your mind knew it wasn't right.

Love is lack of sleep, or it is too much sleep. It's denial. It's ignoring everyone and everything in the light of day and night. It is like being barefoot when your parents told you to wear your slippers. 

It is so painful when you're feeling it. And when you're not you feel completely empty. Completely lost. It's like you don't know yourself when you're not under the rain with your other half. You're meant to be half. 

A love so big, so tender, so painful, so giving,so open, so warm. Dramatic till the end. Huge till the end. Until you see again that one person again. Until you be together again, or until you choose a different path in life, either way it is going to hurt. It is going to burn real bad. It is going to destroy you and feel you up with those beautiful and priceless emotions. Love can do that. 

A love so big, so tender, so huge and open that is always there. It is there for you. 

to know me- Self knowledge

What if you could see your soul?
What would you see?
Would you see the reflection of your mind's ideas of it, or would you really see what's in there?

We sometimes tend to make an image of ourselves. A very better image of who we really are. At last, our character is nothing compared to what we have imagined it would be.
Realisation of our true ego is better than imagining. To create the best of us, to create the best of you, you first and foremost need to get to know the true you.
Be better after knowing the parts of yourself that have to be improved.
Self knowledge is a powerful virtue. Acquire it. Make it yours. 

Goodbye summer, goodbye to you as well

And as I watched almost by myself summer departing, letting me with cloudy skies, the cool summer breeze that turned to cold autumn-like wind, I turned around and realised how many people have stayed, how many have left this town, this country, this world...

2018 was the year of big changes and big realisations. Being an adult changes you psychologically ,because of the many responsibilities you ought to have as a grown up. But still, here I am. Still living with my parents in their house, them still taking care of me, still being their little girl-their little innocent angel-but I'm not... 

Like everybody else I've moved on with my life, or at least I tried to (changed my routine, changed the way I talk, changed my hair, my appearance, my style, the way I move around space, I calmed down and I tried to relax my cells into moving slower, with patience).

My everyday life is so much different now that certain people are gone and will continue to leave. Life is a constant scene of moving changing actors-literally I see people as performers from now on with so much falseness going around-, lights upon stage that are constantly turned onto yourself (whatever that self might be-you,me,them,us...-), clothes going from short to long to nothing and then you press pause. Take your house keys, a deep breath in and you go for a walk, a run. Trying to unleash those hormones of happiness (endorphins they are called). And then you run.. you run until you stop. Run until all those thoughts disappear. Run until you stop. 

История (a story)

The beautiful sound of leafs as the wind hits them softly, the colours of green, purple, light grey, dark and light brown and the colour of my skin blending in. A touch of musical sound in the air and the buzzing of some bees looking for flowers. Myself feeling the cold grey ground in my front yard. The feeling of cool pink juice with a couple of ice cubes inside a big tall glass. Feeling like myself inside my natural habitat. An idea of how strong and powerful life can be. Of how intense the present is when you take this moment to yourself.
I seemed to have forgotten how it is to feel good, real good with just yourself. Focusing on the now and on the future. Planing your day and making it your own. Observing the small things that are making you feel overflowed with happiness.
So as content as I am in this current moment of time  I want to tell you a small story.
Here we go.
I was a girl, always so innocent and happy when I was little. I went to school and this place destroyed me. It damaged my feelings my creativity as I was growing up. At that moment I didn't realise how lost I was and how situations are going to affect my life in the years to come. People at school weren't all kind. Some of them were affectionate enough but it wasn't enough. I want to create a small society of innocent and kind feelings. I know this might be a dreamy world but I'll try. For me and the people around me that deserve the best treatment and my lover, my kids, my future family. Continuing living on I was bullied, I was tossed to the side, I was made to feel bad about my body, myself, my feelings and the way I see this world. My creativity was tossed to the underground world and my heart broke thousands of time into a million pieces. I am not holding a grudge but those memories are awful.
Feelings caused by lack of constructive communication. No one was telling me things about life, about my body, about my mind, about the world. I had to learn everything from scratch by heart for the years to come. I had to learn to live the good life by myself and this costed me valuable time. Time I'll never regain ever again. Precious time.
High school was even worse. But that time I grew up and I realised I had to do everything on my own. I had to create the world I want to live in. So I took a deep breath. I took loads of them. And I tried to get deep into artistic projects. Painting my feelings out, expressing my mind over music over words and on people, on walls, on paper. I created powerful pieces of Art. I created myself the way I wanted and I still am. I am moulding my body and mind into this almost perfect piece of endless art in order to express all those ideas outside this brain full of energy.
Every day as long as I can remember in high school I would draw another piece of thought outside my mind, into a paper into a person. Some where jealous, some where admiring what I was doing, most of them were ignorant. But I managed.
As studying became harder and I had to focus on my exams to come I fell in love. Firstly with a long haired boy with deep blue eyes, afterwards with a drummer and then with a soul close to what I am. Three times of pain and disturbed feelings. But I managed as well. I accepted the feelings and outgrew them. I turned the pain and  the anger into flowers in a piece of paper. I started running and running and watched my body change. I tried to forget those 2 and keep going with the third. Still am. Finishing exams was hard as well but I tried to meet as many people as I could, I tried to dream as much as I can for the future to come. I gave everything i owned inside and out to those two and some more and I watched as my soul divided into pieces of self that were extracted from me and given to them. Lost pieces. Thank God I am still young and I can grow new ones. Or else I wouldn't survive. The last sex was painful, not physically but emotionally. I betrayed every piece of myself and regretted every moment of my life I wasted on that action. I was sick, I was in pain, I was sad.
But then this moment came. This moment of loneliness accompanied with a cigarette, this pink juice, the wind, the bees, the grey ground stones of my frond yard, the music in the air and for once after a long time I felt better. I feel better and I am starting to feel like myself again. Like a new self. A better one, a stronger one. A somebody somehow wiser, improved, once again observant of the beautiful world that hugs me every time I look around.

Soul explosion

I’m imagining myself exploding. Me scattered into a million billion pieces. Small pieces of myself that every person I’ve met and will, will behold. Small pieces of flesh and soul that people take away from me every time I open up. Little pieces with cracks on them cause I ain’t a perfect person. A sinner, that’s who I am. And my scattered pieces, I hope they’ll do you good to all of you people that dared to take one with you.

The one regret in life

Summer is full of surprises. Full of mystery. And a bunch of adventures await out there for you to take over. Explore places, find yourself in the most uncommon places with the weirdest people. Trying your luck with food, art. Travel and unlock the hidden mysteries of an island. Be free by being naked on a beach and explore your sexuality. 
Well sometimes its more than that. It is about having your eyes and ears open for what you really want, and finally take it. Be the master of your own mind and body and quit temptations. Be free by being in love with one person. Be content by letting yourself fall into someone else's arms for the first time in your life. 
Social media and the world nowadays is all about finding yourself by being alone. Friendship is the one and only value worth fighting for. Well, let me agree to disagree. 
Summer may be the first beginning of a young soul and the gate to self exploration and of course all the wilderness but..
Don't let yourself to regret meeting again that one lovely soul you met at the most bluest sea... The one soul that has the loveliest green-grey eyes. 
Don't regret for not settling for one moment.